Grief

If someone could see deep inside you they would see the rawness,

They would see that behind the momentary smile, a smile where you forget for a split second , that a part of you has dimmed.

They might then truly realise, that even though you don’t want there to be a new you, that there is.

You feel like you are living two lives,

A life that has to get on with it, but doesn’t want to forget your past, because forgetting your past would mean closing a door for good,

You smile, you laugh, you put your best face on, you put one foot in front of the other,

You feel like a bystander to your own life at times, like you are not truly in the moment.

You play with your children, you enjoy time with those close to you,

But grief chips away at you, it lingers there in the background,

Never letting you truly forget.

You take it day by day, week by week,

Baby steps, big steps and some days there can be no steps,

You can do nothing.

Nothing but silence and deep despair fills every part of you,

Pain that is so deep it’s hard to explain to others.

But for others you get up, some days you even want to get up for you,

You want to feel normal again, you hate what this has done to you,

And then you feel selfish for those thoughts.

You want time to reverse.

You want your children, your partner, your family and friends to see the old you,

Does the old you exist anymore?

You want you back but the glimmer feels like it will never come back,

How can it when there is a huge void that can never be filled again.

Loving someone who filled such a special space and then losing them makes you question everything,

No-one can really help make you you again.

You see others seemingly getting on and wonder why you can’t, but you realise that you don’t get to see deep inside them.

You see what they choose to project to others, you see their bravery in light of their loss,

You know you are not less for not being able to smile all the time,

You know when you smile or laugh for that moment you are happy.

You hope others will accept there is a new you.

No-one tells you this will happen , even if they do, until you actually go through it ,it will only be then you understand fully.

You can’t get it, you empathise ,you sympathise ,but it is not your loss,

Loss is cruel, there are extreme highs and extreme lows.

You have days of nothing and days where you feel normal,

Emotions throw themselves at you, all wanting to dominate your thoughts and you feel overwhelmed.

You can experience sadness, anger, numbness and repeat the cycle,all in a matter of hours.

You feel lost and want to drag yourself back, to be happy, but it can be too hard sometimes.

You find yourself having less tolerance for bullshit, for things that don’t really matter in the scheme of things.

You question the validity of certain things more because you understand now what the end for someone really feels like.

But you are thankful for those normal days when you feel like you are turning a corner .

You can be driving and have to pull in when a song reminds you of that person

You can be in the shops and swear you saw your loved one

You can see them in your children

You pick up the phone and hang up when you remember it will never be answered again

You store something to tell them about later and then remember you can never speak to them again

You pour over your phone and videos, you realise you didn’t take enough videos

You yearn to feel their embrace and the stark reminder that you will never feel their touch again is overwhelming

You can feel so alone, so unreachable and then you see signs

You see a robin , feather or a wish and cling to that as your loved one saying hello.

You meet them in your dreams and wake up with your heart pounding analysing every moment of the dream as if it is a message from them.

 

But you feel no better now than you did on the day they left

The difference now is some expect you to

How do you explain when you love someone wholeheartedly that you can never be whole-hearted again

Is time really a healer or is it that we yearn to feel happy?

To feel joy to feel normal?

So that we put one foot in front of the other, despite some days where they drag on the ground and realise that we have still so many to give and receive love and happiness from

I will never believe that you get over a loss or that time is a healer, how can you when you still love that person. Life can’t and won’t be the same again, but that is what loving someone really means?  You accept the pain , you strive to see the beauty of life again and accept that some days will be harder than others. The bond may not be there in the physical sense but the threads of love between us will never be broken.