As I mopped up spilled juice this evening after dinner I wondered am I forever to be cleaner of fluids especially where the twins are concerned. Now that they are nearly four I do get them to fetch the kitchen roll and clean up their mess but after too many soggy sock incidences I have as of late taken back over the mopping up duties! It got me to thinking how Motherhood can be condensed down into a liquid/fluid journey, let me tell you how from newborn to toddlerhood.
Ah you have a brand new adorable pink wriggley , rose bud lipped baby, congratulations, now let us introduce you to, Hello Meconium! Enough said and a memory I am sure most parents sweep to the back of their minds and only recall with horror when a friend tells them of the first nappy. They have now officially entered the parenthood club.
And you thought it couldn’t get worse with a newborn… May I remind you of POONAMI, these are none other than nappy explosions. Those with a sensitive disposition stop reading as I remind you of the shit that happens and spreads from head to toe. Quick tip here, envelope vests were invented especially for these horror of horror experiences, you do not need to pull the shit filled vest over your precious babies head, just pop their arms out of the neck and pull it down your baby’s body as you wonder how something so small could make something a constipated grown man would be proud of.
Despite my best efforts there was often a boob which has it’s own mind and would despite wearing nipple pads want to scream to the world that I was indeed a breastfeeder. Milk stains do turn up until you get the hang of it and especially when you are rolling out of a non breastfeeding top be careful when you pack away the boobs and you don’t leak all over yourself.
If your baby is going through the horrors of reflux then you will know reflux spews all over you as you hold your child upright after feeds, in an attempt to settle their stomachs is no laughing matter. Even “normal “spews can be pretty horrendous and will remind you to never ever go out without at least one hundred muslin cloths ever again You can be sure the one time you do, always happens after a car journey that you will have to boil wash the carseat and yourself.
Have you a little boy on the way? I cannot warn you enough about preparing yourself enough before taking the nappy off your cute little baby. My husband was nearly blinded by the accuracy of our sons’ aim once the fresh air his fresh bottom! My advice is pop a wet wipe down there and get that new nappy on ASAP, the last thing you want is to smell of urine on top of everything else.
And then comes your first encounter with your baby and a stomach bug. I cannot go there on the nappy front, I haven’t recovered nearly four years later but my goodness the first vomit, the first projectile vomit. This vomit will make you want to build a clean room in your house, don’t mind wanting a separate playroom for the kids or a nice conservatory that you will possibly sit in twice a year. clean room similar to those My suggestion is build yourself a clean room similar to the ones factories medical device factories have. It is the only way you can be sure you have cleaned every bit of regurgitated carrot and milk from your body. There is nothing worse than adulting when your little one os getting sick if you are like me and you have a sensitive stomach, seeing Mammy empty retching as I hold the sick bowl with my sick toddler is a moment I am not proud of them witnessing.
And now you have a baby who is ready for solids. My advice here, buy only orange clothing from here on in all of your clothes will look like you rolled around in a plate of spaghetti bolognese.It doesn’t matter what food item is flicked back at you ,it will stain everything you own. And the best bit, more often than not it will be when you are out for the day feeling confident that you do indeed have it all together, and then you look down in the sunlight and discover your angels dried in finger prints all over your clothes. Do not underestimate the yoghurt or ice-cream fingers, those bland hues appear like they can do no damage ,trust me on this!
Have you ever had a toddler who has a head cold and hasn’t the foresight to run and get some tissue to clean their nose? never despair Mammy’s leg is nearby. The amount of times I have thought I am getting a cuddle and awhile later discover green snot leaking down my jeans leg. The bottoms of my coats have also become the twins personal snot rags, actually nothing is sacred. Blowing noses is high on the level of personal responsibility lessons currently in this household!
Another eventful time in a toddler’s life and every parents life is toilet training time. Once you have gotten past the actual training its plain sailing until somehow overnight your child is pooping out boulders and wiping them is not high on the fun list. This pleasure lasts for a while, invest in nose plugs and a newspaper if your toddler enjoys the chats while they fart out their height in poo. I couldn’t finish the toilet talk without mentioning again boys and their toilet habits. Aim continues to be hit and miss….
So outside of basically being a human wet wipe for the rest of your life there are sloppy moments that I am happy to be on the receiving end of for the rest of my life. The twins give me the biggest sloppiest kisses and I hope they never stop doing so xx