To Mam xx

As the sun’s beams turned cold at the end of Summer and the tree’s leaves began to change colour my beautiful mother died. Yet as alone as I feel, I know I am not alone, the signs are everywhere that she is still with me. I cling to these signs to help momentarily put a stop to the constant ache I feel that she is no longer here. In these times I remind myself that the bond between a mother and child is so strong that death cannot break it. The love we feel as mothers ,growing, nurturing and raising our own children, I know now is infinite.The bond between a mother and her child will never fade. For nine whole months she was the only world I had ever known. Hers was the first gentle voice I would have heard as her voice cradled me from deep within her. Hers was the first face I saw, her kind gentle eyes that sparkled and crinkled at the corners when she smiled. I hope as she closed them for the last time she saw how much I love her. Her smell and touch I would have known straight away but now her smell is fading. She was the first person I ever loved and will have loved the longest when my own time comes. She was the person I shared my first breath with and now I’ve shared her last.

Time has stood still yet life’s busyness continues around me but everything feels muted. How do I explain what it feels like to lose the person who loved me unconditionally and I her. Her clothing has replaced her arms as her hug,as my way of reconnecting with her. She often told me that when I became a mother I would understand what she meant when she told me I would always be her baby, and she was right. When I held my children in my arms for the first time I finally understood what she meant, it is a love that comes from the deepest part of your heart and nothing will waiver it. Now though I feel a huge void, a loss I cannot begin to explain to anyone, only that I still need her, even though I am all grown up. How do I begin to explain how it feels to have an invisible bond cut, we are tied to each other through a love that I now fully understand is like no other. Mother and child to mother and friend and now I am the child again. Like my children cry in the night for me, I cry out for her. The child who cannot wrap their head around their mother not being there forever. This is the longest I have ever gone without speaking to her and I can only imagine as the days, months and years go on that the sense of being further and further away from her will continuously cause an ache deep in my heart that only she can fix, but she can’t anymore. I miss her daily goodbye kiss the most. From the first time she kissed my fuzzy forehead as her newborn baby girl to the last time she kissed it as her grown daughter, I am glad she gave me a lifetime of goodbye kisses because I can still feel her now, kissing me goodbye.

I reach my hand out to the empty car seat beside me and will myself to feel her touch, I scan the supermarket for women of her age holding their grandchildrens’ hands or linking their daughters arm and when I find them I hurry away because I am now walking alone.  She was more than just Nana to my children and will never be forgotten, we chat to her every day to feel close to her and know she sends a little robin to say hi to us every morning before we head off to work and school. Songs on the radio remind me of her sweetest voice which I replay over and over to connect myself to her. But Christmas is different . She is gone only a short while and it’s her favourite time of the year and nearly her sixty third birthday.  As I unwrapped the decorations she bought me over the years I am so grateful for them but now I’ve realised there will be no more Christmas decorations from her. At forty years of age I have to buy my own Christmas pyjamas for the first time, but I promise to carry her traditions on with her grandchildren. Christmas has lost its sparkle but I will keep her very much alive in our hearts for our first Christmas without her. The kids will help keep me smiling Christmas morning and New years eve will be a day spent honouring your birthday and how lucky I was to have you as my Mam. She really was the kindest, funniest,  strongest and beautiful woman I have ever known. I will never understand why she was dealt the last few years but she kept positive to the end showing everyone what an amazing woman I am proud to call my Mam was. It really won’t be the same without you Mam, but I know you are close by us ,always.  xx

She’s the flicker of a candle

She’s the wish of a dandelion

She’s the love deep in our hearts

That will last the test of time xx