To Mam on your second Mothers day away from home

The longer it goes without talking to you, seeing you, the more it hurts, if I could have you back for a second I’d lose myself in your hug, I’d ask you to kiss the top of my head one more time.
My words remain the same now as they did when I wrote this, but my heart feels even heavier and I didn’t think that was possible.

You were the person I shared my first breath with and now I’ve shared your last breath with you. Time has stood still yet life buzzes around me, everything feels muted. How do I explain what it feels like to lose the first person who ever loved me unconditionally. The first person who softly spoke to me and for nine months was my entire world. I knew your smell and touch before I even opened my eyes for the first time and now your smell still lingers on, but already it is fading. Scraps of clothing have become my hug, my way of reconnecting with you. But I know you are there, I feel you squeeze my hand and I sense you in all the other private ways you have shown me you are still watching over me.  Yours were the first eyes I ever saw and felt comfort in and when they closed for the last time I hope you saw how much I love you. Your soft, kind loving eyes lost their sparkle, as has my world.

You told me when I became a mother that you would always be your mothers baby as you had over the years but it wasn’t until I held my children that I finally understood what you were saying to me. And now even more do I deeply feel a huge void, a loss I cannot begin to explain to anyone only that I still need you, even though I am all grown up. I have shown my support over the years to those who have lost their parents but now I understand that I truly did not get what they were going through.

Words have failed me and will always do so ,because how do I explain how it feels like to cut an invisible bond, we were tied to each other through the love I now know is like no other, mother and child to mother and friend and now again I am the child. The child who cannot wrap their head around their mother not being there, forever.  This is the longest I have ever gone without speaking with you and I can only imagine as the days, months and years go on that the sense of being further and further away from you will continuously cause an ache deep in my heart that only you can fix, but you can’t anymore. I miss your daily goodbye kiss, from the first time you kissed my forehead as your baby girl to the last time you kissed it as your grown daughter I am glad you gave me a lifetime of goodbye kisses because I can still feel you now, kissing me goodbye.

Happy heavenly mothers day Mam.

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