Ah yeah today’s a good day for mammy guilt I pondered as I spent my third hour in the car driving home tonight from Dublin to try desperately to get home in time for bedtime .
And I failed.
I knew I was going to fail as I realised I had driven maybe 10 kilometres in 49 minutes and my foot riding the clutch was in danger of cramping up forever, as anyone who spends alot of time in the car I am sure knows only too well.
Even now an hour and a half after I am finally home my left foot still involuntarily ceases up such was the disaster of my commute this evening!
It was on my third call home during the drive when I rang to say nope mammy wasn’t going to make it home for bedtime that it all got to me. My twins were crying for me asking was I nearly home to read a story whilst daddy tried in vain to ask me did B need his antibiotic and filled me in on the delightful news that the ahem “blockage” had cleared in a twin (who I won’t name so as to protect their modesty) so much so their vest was now in the bin !
Looking out through my windscreen tears formed , there was Venus shining brightly and choking back sobs I asked the kids to go the window and look up at “lady Venus” so we could ask her and I quote the beautiful Adam books by Benji Bennett “ Hello lady Venus and how do you do ,do aliens drive in their cars here with you? “
Story time is my most favourite part of the day as a mam and it’s rare I miss it but that didn’t stop the guilt from kicking in tonight . It’s second only to that first cuddle of the day before madness descends, that first kiss on the cheek, the first two sets of arms holding onto my neck tight as I bring them downstairs , the first “I sit next to you mammy” while we have our breakfast and I missed all those this morning due to an early start.
I realise I’m lucky for the most part that I’m there when they open and close their eyes at morning and night and many parents miss these for a variety of reasons . I know that it’s important I work, that I contribute, I get adult interaction. That I am a role model along with my husband for the kids to look up to when they’re older and I get hot coffee and lunch !
But my kids are growing so fast that each bedtime and “up time “ I miss is a day closer to when they won’t want me to carry them to bed, to read them stories, to tell them I love them through the milky way and to cover them in kisses .
In the end just as I sat down to a very late dinner the baby monitor buzzed and I was able to wipe away all traces of mammy guilt as I ran up the stairs, eagerly for once, to that annoying vibration and indulged in a little snuggle and lullaby time .