I had an interesting conversation with my three and a half-year old twins over the weekend. My son turned to me as we sat cosied up on the couch,winding down for bed-time, our bodies growing weary from a packed day of swimming, relation visiting and a trip to the circus and exclaimed ,”Mammy you have two names” . This was a conversation I knew would lead somewhere, so intrigued I asked him what he meant.
Well hold me down because it was deep! The understanding and knowledge that comes from the twins mouths at times leave me wondering where did my babies go and who are these mini brains walking and talking around me! Back to the couch conversation, he told me I was Mammy but my other name was Adelle. Fair enough I thought, yes that is my name but in my head I am near tears as I imagine the next words will be ,I will call you Adelle from now on, cue a broken heart.However he then went on to say, When you mind us you are Mammy and when you talk to grown ups you are Adelle. We are kids so we want to call you Mammy and you do Mammy stuff with us but what do you talk about when you’re Adelle?
Little did he know a few minutes before his bedtime, where my brain is already thinking of the dishes that need washing, the chores that need doing, the shopping for the week ahead, meals that have to be planned and cooked, me time that has to be achieved, writing that has to and yearns to be done, talk to my husband about non kid things and then try to catch up with some friends, that ever since becoming a Mother this is something that every Mam can relate to and at times has probably asked herself.
Who am I now?
Who are we when we are not Mammy?
it is such a loaded question and the answer has definitely changed depending on the age of the kids, the different stages of life that is thrown at me and of course my own mood on any given day. Going back to the early days of being a mother, when the bubble has burst and I was caught in the endless cycle of sleep deprivation, Adelle for sure took a back seat. She was there but she was so overwhelmed with the responsibility of having two little ones completely depending on her for survival, being Mammy was the only way to get through the fog. There was not time for the old me or my old life and I wasn’t remotely bothered to be honest at that particular time, I was happily consumed in giving my all to my little babies. Routine and monotony of routine as life moved on meant the fog lifted and I started to contemplate and question who I now was. What did I want to do ,to achieve, what were my goals. They had changed from pre children to post children and it has taken a lot of time to really figure out who I am now. Circumstance beyond being a mother has made me really sit back and analyse what I want to achieve and whilst I have over the last nearly four years took back some time for myself, since I started this blog a little over a year ago ( happy Birthday to me) I can say that I am Adelle, who happens to be a Mam to toddler twins but who also has ambition to be a novelist and or(whichever comes first) a full-time writer.
It is so easy to lose yourself ,regardless of situation, but a lot of time as a Mother, you put yourself last. I’m not going to say it is ok to put yourself last but it is ok to acknowledge you are feeling this way. We have all been there and will no doubt have times in the future I myself will probably get a little lost, overwhelmed, but I will try and ground myself. You need to be fair to the woman you were and to her dreams,goals and ambitions. You have one life to live and if anything I am learning that we are here for a short time, a scratch on the surface per se. We have to do something that makes us happy. It is a given that our children make us happy, that is pure love, I am talking about doing something solely for YOU. For the woman you were before you took a side step to raise your family.
What is your name?